I saw Transformers 3 last month.
Here was the setup: There is this thing called a D-Box experience where you go to the movie theatre and sit in these reserved seats that shake during the action parts, and shift side-to-side and generally only distract from what you're watching because it moves during random parts like cars driving in the background and stuff.
So we see "Super 8" [whenever that came out] in the D-Box, drinking Long Island Iced Teas in our moving seats (because it's a cool modern theatre with bar service that cuts you off after one drink so you better make it strong, especially if you know the movie is going to suck). Every time a car entered the scene, the seats shook. It was great. Sunday afternoon movies after happy-hour margaritas (which were fucking disgusting), oyster shots (also gross), and Long Islands (high-fructose corn syrup + well liquer = not godo at all) are the best.
So seeing "Super 8" in the D-Box was awesome (the movie was okay too). But get this, "Transformers 3" didn't get the D-Box treatment! Yeah. The movie that could revolutionize this new technology doesn't even take advantage of it. Instead of the seats just moving when a car enters the scene "Transformers" is a franchise that stars cars that turn into people. The seats would be moving the entire time! You wouldn't even have to brace yourself, it would just shake every second of every minute for one hundred and thirty-nine minutes.
Even without the D-Box we saw it anyways.
I don't want to come off as a poor ass bitch or anything so we chose the luxury seats because as my friend Chris would say "Am I a prince, or am I a pauper?" It feels good hanging with a bunch of princes. It was a let down. There were tons of cars in the movie but how am I supposed to empathize with them when the seat I'm sitting in doesn't even vibrate at all? And while the movie doesn't make clear sense all of the time it is nowhere near as nonsensical as that Dada masterpiece "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."
Michael Bay may be leaving the franchise now but at least he left us with a few choice nuggets such as Buzz Aldrin (yes, the famous astronaut himself) giving Optimus Prime tips on the hidden robot on the moon, and my personal favorite scene where stock footage of the African Sahara has Megatron's voiceover on it saying "all hail Megatron," and then the elephants and zebras all boo. Besides the few-and-far-between-cluster-fuck-moments there isn't much to recommend. Lots of stuff explodes, America, support our troops, some of these action scenes must have been recycled from the first two movies.
In the end the cast somehow converge on Chicago (which no one seems able to explain to me, besides saying, "oh, they just all went there.") and for what seems like forever sparks fly, and famous old buildings get shot up. It is all quite boring. Shia Lebeouf's love interest enrages Meagtron by saying he has no balls (which is awesome) and Optimus Prime gives a sweet dramatic speech to wrap things up that has nothing to do with whatever it was we just watched.
"Transformers 3" is a lot like its predecesor in that they are both overblown, insane, sci-fi stoner comedy romance movies. The difference is that "Transformers 2" was overtly racist, sexist, and fundamentally incoherent, while "Transformers 3" is just a big, dumb action movie. Everyone I was with fell asleep at least once during the movie (myself included for a minute or two) and I wouldn't blame anyone for doing the same. No amount of gross Margaritas, or Long Island Iced Teas could save this piece of shit. I'm guessing the reason I couldn't get into the movie is because my seat stood still.
Why did you forsake your savior D-Box?
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